Not The Life I Want
by plasticineking
Summary: It took one stupid act, one broken heart, to make them realize, it turns out they're made for each other. Leonard/Penny angst-y.


**Summary: **_It took one stupid act, one broken heart, to make them realize, it turns out they're made for each other._

**I don't:**_ own this show, but boy if I did..._

* * *

**Not What The Life**

**I Want**

* * *

The rage boiled within him, a stupid childish rage. She cancelled dinner with him – the second time this week – in favour of going out with her girlfriends, and he felt close to hating her for it, and he wasn't shy in vocalizing this. In fact, the argument brought up hidden and tail ends of unfinished arguments from the past, and it ended with an 'I love you, but sometimes I really don't like you' from Penny, and a, 'You know what? Straight back at you!', from Leonard. He remembered Howard telling him whenever he got angry at Bernadette he'd go to bar, so that's where Leonard found himself, getting drunker as he mentally smote Penny and everything she was. It wasn't the best thing to do. It was pathetic and stupid. Not as pathetic as making out with a shy red head in a quiet booth in a bar, or as pathetic as going home with her, mind. No that really took his stupidity to a whole new level. One day, one day far away from this one, he'd look back at this experience as something he had to do in life to realize his priorities and to grow, but at that moment in time, he couldn't help himself throwing up in the nameless girls bathroom, and not entirely because he was hungover.

–

Danny Johnson, the name of the first boy that cheated on Penny. She felt it was too soon to have sex, and he, two years her senior, felt it a necessity. She was sure her heart actually broke, when she found out that she wasn't enough. So when her next boyfriend, Taylor Cowdon, asked her if she was ready, she said yes, despite not being too sure – because the thought of her heart hurting in that way again scared her more than uncertainty – of course, she learnt very soon that you could have sex with someone three times a day, five days a week, and that in no way would prevent them from cheating on you. Still, she put herself out there, gave them _that _because it turned out she was rather good, she was stupid to think giving yourself completely to someone would stop them from ripping you to shreds.

The words exiting Leonard's mouth looked alien, the feeling in the pit of her stomach wasn't supposed to come with him, the feeling of her heart breaking was _never _supposed to be because of him. He was the one. He was the one person that was not only different from everyone else, but smart enough to know the right thing to do even in the most horrible of situations. She could feel the bile rising in the throat, as he tried to soften the blow, "I can't _really_ remember anything... _maybe _we didn't do anything...". She wanted Sheldon to jump up from behind her sofa and shout bazinga, and an elephant to walk out of her bedroom door, just so this dream...nightmare would be over.

Leonard wasn't fully aware of what he was saying, he watched Penny so carefully, his own heart breaking as he saw the look on her face. Disbelief. She couldn't, didn't want to, believe that he had done this idiotic act. He didn't really believe it himself. When Penny first said she loved him, it was a memory that normally accompanied him when he drifted to sleep holding her...

–

"_Penny I am so grateful." Leonard smiled, nudging his girlfriend, "partly for you coming with to this fancy dress party, but mostly for your costume."_

"_Yeah well, this version of cat woman is definitely more me." Penny replied._

"_I must say, for most of us in the car, we all agree." Howard half-growled from the backseat. "Black latex. Growl." He shifted in his cowboy outfit. Leonard drove to the party._

"_I'm only doing this for you, you know?" Penny partly whispered._

"_Oh it's totally doing it for me." He replied, grinning. _

"_Me too." _

"_Howard!" Penny and Leonard said at the same time._

_The music thumped, and Penny was shocked to see so many, very attractive, people here. Male and female. Sheldon was comparing his costume of the Jack Nicholson Joker to another's Heath Ledger, Howard was dancing in the middle of the room, alone, and Raj was speaking to three girls all at once... Nothing compared, for Penny, though to Leonard. Surrounded by girls that probably, definitely, knew more about his world than she ever could – and they were incredibly gorgeous – and he hadn't left her all evening, had barely looked from her. She turned to him as she noticed him laughing at Howard._

"_I love you." She whispered in his ear. Almost jumping back as he turned around quickly to face her._

"_Okay, how many have I had because I think you just told me you love me."_

"_You haven't drunk anything honey, you're driving..." She grabbed his hand moving them out of the crowed room to the empty hall, pulling them into the shadows..._

"_Penny..."_

"_I love you, Leonard." She said, the dark hitting her at all the right angles. He felt the air knock out of him, and knew the smile was on his face._

"_Say it again." He commanded, stepping closer to her, placing his hands on her hips, suppressing the groan at the latex beneath his fingers._

"_I..." She paused gently kissing him, "love," she repeated, "you". He met her kiss name, one hand in her blonde hair, the other clenching at her hip, breaking apart only to murmur his "I love you, too" before kissing her again, stepping deeper into the shadows._

–

Leonard stopped speaking, shutting his eyes tightly, he couldn't look at her face. It was time to wait for the blow. The shouting, and the insults. The 'how can you be so smart but so stupid', 'you broke my heart' anything similar. Yet the small sigh of defeat that exited her knocked him more than anything she could've said. He glanced up and saw she looked down at her hands in her lap.

"Whenever this happened to me before, and it has, it was always from someone I never really saw a future with, you know?" He voice was gentle, it held no anger, "I could never picture a wedding with them, or children, or even living with them – even when I _lived _with Kurt I couldn't see past the cheesecake factory and failed auditions... But you." She turned and looked at him, and he found he couldn't look away, even as her eyes watered, "I saw it all. I saw a life. I felt happy, Leonard. It was all with you. And now... now I can't even see myself smiling again. I... I can't... I can't breathe..." it was as she took big gulps of air, that he snapped out of his pity-trance and went closer to her, rubbing her back.

"You're hyperventilating. I... I don't know why..."

"Be-because you... broke my heart..." she gasped out. He leant his head against hers, one continuously rubbing her back, and the other feeling around for his inhaler.

"No I haven't. This can't be it." He replied, "I love you, Penny." He felt her huff, and pulled her into a hug, the attempt to find his inhaler gone. "I'll spend the rest of my life, **our** lives, making sure you never doubt that again." He felt Penny's arms wrap around him, as he murmured sorry over and over into her hair.

For the first time, a promise of 'never doing it again' wasn't made, or an 'I'm sorry I didn't mean to', instead it was the pleas of someone who had been having the same dreams as Penny, seeing the same future, and not understanding how to have a life without the other in it. And for the first time, she realized that she could easily live her life without ever speaking to Leonard again, but that just wasn't the life she wanted.

–

A/N: I had to get it out of my head. Sorry if it sucked. :)


End file.
